Luminosity

Your voice lingered in the darkest parts of my mind,
And crept its way in the deepest parts of me.
Every word hit me like a train on a track,

Awakening me from my melancholy.

Breaking free from this obscure sphere,
Moving along with it all slowly.

Sundown, we prance under old oak trees,
Letting every minute sink hard right into me.

Right there in the dense fog,
I left the things I've wanted to say.
But like a flower that has wilted,
I've always known I wouldn't stay that way.

One morning I woke up,
And it all became so clear to me.
Maybe I dreamt of it too much,
Leaving me tangled in this sweet serendipity.

─ Julie Pauline Moscoso

Conundrum

Trapped in this maze,

Couldn't figure a thing.

No cracks, no hints,

I stood there trembling.

Am I really in a maze?

Or is this some kind of a trap?

Let's just keep going.

We'll get out, perhaps.

Cobbled up every inch of courage,

I searched for the light.

For a second there it was,

But now it's nowhere in sight.

It was worse than I thought.

It was worthless.

Unable to utter the right words,

I'm caught up in this mess.

And so I sit in this conundrum,
Voices telling me there's plenty of time to wait.
But what gave me the chills,
Was when a voice whispered "it's too late."

─ Julie Pauline Moscoso

A lucid view of reality.

I need good reasons to wake up in the morning.
I need good reasons to wake up every damn day. 

I wanna be straightforward with everyone and everyone straightforward with me as well. Not to sound too overbearing, I just want them to go straight to the point. I want somebody to touch me and get comfortable with me. Not the "hey-come-here-I-wanna-touch-you" kind of touch. I want the "hey-let's-strike-a-conversation" kind of touch. There's nothing really wrong with getting all clingy with me if you wanna be friends with me because I know one day I'm going to need someone so bad and I'm going to clasp with them too. I want to enjoy the genuineness of everyone else's smiles and apologies while I'm still here and they're still here. I want my regrets to serve as memories and lessons as well. I mean, I may have screwed up in the past in so many ways but when I'm slowly rotting at a care center, at least I'd be able to say: "Yup, I may have done this and done that but hey, I plucked that moment! At least I plucked those days!" I'm going to let everyone's affection, love, appreciation and all the good things that they do to me hook me and do the same thing as well while I'm still here.

Because one day, I just might fall off a tree, hit my head hard on the pavement and *poof* I'm gone.
And we never know when I might fall off that tree.

Drifting away

;


Specks in your eyes,
Holes in your soul.
I lost my sanity,
Gone separate from the whole.

A glimpse of daylight,
An echo from the hall.
Tensed all of a sudden,
Waiting for the darkness' call.

I sit in qualm,
Disregardful of my state.
Flustering in confusion,
You were always too late.

Fidgeting in anxiety,
Quavering in despair.
Right before I could speak,
You vanished in thin air.

─ Julie Pauline Moscoso

Ret/ro/spec/tive

I've always talked about your eyes and how I swam in them. I drowned in them once but yeah, I managed. I used to talk about the way I traced your spine and how it resembled a constellation I couldn't seem to perceive. Nobody listened but I didn't mind...
I've always loved daydreams because it kind of detaches myself from the real world. But it wasn't. It was something I longed for.

Remember when you told me that you loved how the smoke from your cup of coffee fogged up your glasses?
Remember when you told me that you loved how the branches from the trees outside your window created silhouettes on your walls every time the day draws to a close?
Remember when we'd take strolls at the park early in the morning and let the morning dew fall over us?
Remember when I used to paint you and laugh at how I could never get some parts of you right?
Remember when I wrote poems about you?
Remember when you used to call me at 6 in the morning and ask what I wanted to go through the day?

I pace back and forth, trying to eliminate all these things in my head. Remember when you said you never wanted to remember all these again? "It doesn't even matter anymore." There you go again.

Castles in air

I want to seek my own kind of freedom in the easiest way possible.

I want to escape and not let anything hinder me.

I want to wake up to the simpler side of life.

I wanna go on rooftops of buildings, sit right there, write about how life has become such an amazing adventure recently and wait for dusk.

I want to bike around the neighborhood every morning and watch people read their morning papers on their porches as they sip their coffees.

I want to go home and be able to jot down the words: "I'm so happy today because I got to..." every time I write on my journal.

I want to listen to old but gold music while I wait for midnight.

And when it comes, I'll sneak off, put paper cranes on my neighbors' doorsteps and let them wonder how those things got there when the morning comes.

I want to be able to go to cities with bright and ever-changing lights.

I want to drive along old dirt roads while I listen to announcers on the radio complain about the weather and not give a damn about it.

I want to build forts in the beach and let the crashes of the waves lull me to sleep.

And yet, these are the things I sort of wish my days were like.

Falter

Like the smoke I gradually inhale,
I tie myself to you.
And at dawn I wail,
Wondering if you're feeling the same way too.

I gaze at the mass of stars in the sky,
Thinking of the patterns hidden in the constellation.
I sit by the porch and ask myself why;
I crave your touch and affection.

Ecstatic in the morning,
Uninterrupted waves of misery by night.
Like canoes in the sea sailing,
I constantly tell myself to hold on tight.

Through the cracks were gleams of daylight,
Connecting to the emptiness in my soul only you could cure.
You brush your hands through my hair as I squeal in delight,
Right there, I was caught up in a rapture.

─ Julie Pauline Moscoso

Enigma

Spring

You bloom quite different from the rest.
So outlandish, so eccentric.
You frolicked pretty much like birds on the nest,
Your 2 am secrets have gotten me up in panic.


Summer

You were like the giant spotlight blazing
The beam that lingers in the midst of the crowd
Your blue eyes exemplify the ocean waves crashing,
Constant... alluring... loud...

Fall

We laughed, oblivious to the fact we were aching.
I look at you in so many beautiful yet mysterious ways.
These aren't just one of our days, these are memories,
Memories that will haunt me during my dying days.

Winter

Winter came, I was flooded with anxiety & regret.
You became dull, insensitive and cold.
And man, I just couldn't seem to forget...
These stories I shouldn't have told.

─ Julie Pauline Moscoso

3 am deep thinking.

It's scary to think how the future is so close yet we're here, all naive and confused at the same time. It's actually frightening to think of it especially of the thought of what may be in store for us. Good or bad, let's admit it, we get constant waves of anxiety every time we think about how it will be like...

I get that kind of feeling sometimes. There are even times when I would just sit and stare at the blank page of my notebook or at open windows. I just keep on thinking of the things that might possibly happen to me in the near future. And when I do, that's where I usually get all pessimistic because I keep on telling myself not to think of the positive things too much because some things might not turn out the way I anticipated it to and I don't wanna feel bad about it. Nobody would want that.

When I think, I don't just think. When I'm having deep thoughts, it's either I've drowned myself in sadness or I got all flooded with euphoria. I let my thoughts wander in my head until I feel completely different from the state I was in. You know, thinking about how the next day is gonna be is like being manipulated by an unseen force. Your tomorrow might be a gift or a curse. I know I procrastinate and make alibis often. But I'm working on it. I may act like this huge bad ass kid who seems like she doesn't care about much of anything. The girl who goes: "Who caaaaaaares!" but hey, I do and I am scared... I am scared of the future.

Semi dream, semi reality.

You're the type of girl who never bothered much about what other people think about you not because you knew yourself better but because you got used to everyone picking on you. You wanted to be alone. Your 'rents would ask you how things are with your friends and school and stuff and then you would respond with a smirk. You don't want anyone to bother you with your problems because you feel like you're only annoying them. You lived a miserable life because you never opened up to anyone. You wished for nothing but silence and darkness. You wanted to live your life alone and not have anyone live it for you. Just you, no rules. As you wished, you got stuck in semi realism...

One day you'll wake up and nothing's going to be the same anymore. Same faces, same places but nothing will ever be the way it was before. You step out of your bedroom and find the curtains pulled down, the television on yet you hear nothing but silence. Birds chirp noisily to the point where you find their noise quite odd. You find books with torn pages scattered on the table. Nobody was there. Just you and the wind. Isn't this what you wanted? To be alone? The peculiarity of everything brought you to confusion. You went back to your room and before you could make another move, you find catalogs of mini vans you do not even recognize under your bed and then indie music started playing in the background. The music sounded inviting. Inviting? Inviting me? For what?

What is this? 

A call for adventure, I suppose? Your eyes brighten and you feel the adrenaline running through your veins. You squeeze into your jeans, wear your striped tee and put on your worn out Vans. You grab your backpack and ran outside to find a mini van parked outside your house, sun beam shining on the window sills.

Oh my god. My eyes have met my fantasies. 

Without further ado, you get in the van and music started playing on the stereo. You were mindlessly driving. I'm stuck in my dreams. Next thing you know, you're in a deserted town, an isolated area. Abandoned diners and gas stations all over the places. Everything was empty. You felt the chills sending shivers down your spine. You ran back to the van and stepped on the accelerator as hard as you could. The day was drawing to a close and you're still in the same place, same atmosphere. There were all these weird noises coming from nowhere. Trees shaking and scary echoes. You have a feeling a vehicle was right behind you, following you all along. A pair of red and beast-like eyes were watching every move you make and never before seen creatures preying on you. You were shaking and trembling and everything. In that moment, you could honestly say it was an adventure. But it was the bad kind of adventure. Right there, you just let loose of everything.

A few hours have elapsed and you were surprised to see yourself in your own room again. You were in bed, hyperventilating. You got out of bed, your heart was racing as you lay your hand on the knob because you're afraid you might be in the same situation again. You wished none of it existed. You wished for things to go back to the way they were before. You turned the knob open and saw what you wished for. Happy smiles planted on each of everyone's faces as they gather around the table for breakfast. It was all a dream... a bad, bad dream...

You never wanted to be alone again. You realized how sad and scary it was to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone. When people are confused about their emotions, they don't just say they want to be alone because deep down, although they mean it, nobody will ever be alone. They just wanna be saved.

Sad truths

I honestly hate people who judge too quickly. We all have our first impressions on people but when you go telling people unlikely stuff about other people, that's a different story. Impressions can either be good or bad and it's natural to have bad impressions on people just as long as you don't make serious judgments because sometimes, people tend to believe whatever other people tell them so they pass it on.

Sometimes, our tactlessness always wins us over. We become insensitive about other people's feelings in terms of the words we utter or the actions we do. Words can hurt. I admit I've said a lot of hurtful words to a lot of people because sometimes, I just couldn't hold my temper. Yes, I am an emotionally sensitive person. I keep a lot of things to myself because that's where I'm good at. I can hold my emotions for a long time but when I feel like I've already had enough, I let it all out. It's either I cry or I say hurtful words. People might say things like: "I hate judgmental people. What's wrong with being judgmental, I mean, everyone is." Let me tell you one thing: Whether you like it or not, people will always judge you. My advice? Deal with it.

Random post. PS: not aiming this entry at anyone.

Lazy Sundays

It's Sunday and since there isn't much to do here I made my first playlist. A little bit of everything. Give it a listen! :-)

https://8tracks.com/juliemoscoso/untitled-mix/edit

Keep going

There have been a lot of things bothering me the past few months and to be honest, I've never felt anything like this before. I easily get pissed at people and stuff and then there are times when I would break down for some shallow reason or nothing at all. I was sad to the point where I felt like I was already at the verge of giving up...

One time, the entire class went down for a game of volleyball and I wasn't in the mood for stuff like those so I hid inside the comfort room along with my classmate just to make sure our teacher wouldn't see us and force us to get in the game. We stayed there for 10 minutes, talking about the things that might possibly happen if our teacher caught us hiding in there and in the middle of our silly conversation, our teacher caught us and we were sent to the clinic because our teacher got a little mad so we were exempted in the game. We were made to sit on one of the beds. I was shaking then. I felt a little uptight because I was afraid I might receive a failing grade in PE. A few minutes later, he called us and we five, (my other classmates) stood outside the room where our teacher scolded us. While he was talking to one of my classmates, my other classmate started crying, so did the other one until everyone was crying except for me. My teacher turned his head at me and said: "Why are you guys crying, look at Julie she's pretty calm but hey, I can make her cry too." I stood there in silence because I had no idea what he was talking about. He spoke again and this time, he was asking stuff about my parents and my whole family and right before I could speak, he uttered the words: "Are you happy?" And in that moment, I felt my heart sinking like a ship lost at sea and right there, I drowned myself in tears.

"Are you happy?"

...my head was clouded with bad and vague thoughts.

I became a lot unhappier.

But as the days have passed, the days where I felt like I was never ever going to be as happy as I was before, I slowly realized that pain is just temporary. Of course I was a little pessimistic that time but having that kind of thought sort of uplifted me. Pain is truly temporary. It doesn't last forever. All these obstacles that come your way out of the blue, these are challenges given to you to see how far you can go. Life is unfair. Deal with it. But always remember that there is beauty in everything, even to imperfection. We are all made of flaws. We're all born flawed and that is an impeccable thought. We all have ups and downs in life and if we keep moving, we'll be able to resolve all of them in no time! Just like me... I'm happy now. I've got my friends and family to motivate me everyday although we don't get along sometimes, we still make sure we always have time to converse about how things are...

Although I might often complain about how shitty my day went, I'm still thankful God has proven to me that storms do not go on forever... whatever you do, carry on. :)

Rain

Don't you just love it when it rains? You sit there reading a good book, with the matching crashes of raindrops on the rooftop. The perfect time to listen to good music and just unwind. The perfect time to bury yourself in thick blankets... the room and the perfect atmosphere.

The only bad thing is, I hate being out for a long period of time when it rains.

Yet I love the kind of silhouette it makes on the window at night like when you're all cozy in bed, ready to get some good sleep!

You can call me weird, I'd take that as a compliment.

There's something so calming about it. I prefer the rain lashing down so hard that I couldn't hear anything anymore, just the music in my ears.

I just love dark and cold rainy days. Not just normal dark & normal cold... 

Really dark... and really cold rainy days.

People deserve to be happy

I have plenty of ups and downs in my life and I'm pretty sure, you've had them too.

When people get sad, they normally break down until they feel light and sort of forgot about their feelings. But when I get sad, I don't break down... I sit there, bottle everything up until I just couldn't hold it anymore. You wanna know why I bottle my emotions? Because I'm a wretched kid and every time sadness hits me, all I could think is myself rotting because I'm just... too... unhappy. That's why when I feel down, I do not cry. I do not wanna feel miserable. Bottling our feelings could make us look like happy people outside. But I don't think that's gonna help... it's okay to cry. Nothing's wrong with that, we all feel sad and cold sometimes. I recently learned that keeping things to yourself and pretending to be happy isn't such a good idea at all.

I'm a pretty sad person... I cannot answer a million questions right now but sincerely, I am. That's why I'm working on radiating positive vibes! I wrote this, because I feel unhappy right now. But sitting here and being all gloomy isn't gonna change anything. I am learning to be as cheery as I was before because I deserve to be happy!

 Good Night.

Julie

I'm an average girl. I live in a normal house, go to a normal school and live a normal life. I may not be popular, but yeah, I have good and irreplaceable friends and we're all inseparable. On weekends, I don't always go out although I want to but I get lazy so usually I postpone our trips to the mall or anywhere just around the City. I'm the type of girl who would rather wear over-sized shirts and men's boxers at home rather than spaghetti straps and super short shorts. I like my hair messy. When I tie it into a bun, I like it messy too. I never complain about not getting thigh gaps or dimples or a slender body. Well, I rant about it sometimes but deep down, with all modesty, I don't care. Because I know I'm never getting one! I mean, who cares if you don't have a slender body when you've got a pretty good sense of humor? I'm the type of girl who does something stupid and regrets it... but then I do it all over again. I'm the type of girl who laughs loudly & doesn't care because every time I laugh, I always think: "Goal in life: be happy" that's it, that's what always comes into my mind when I crack out. I'm the type of girl who gets flooded by euphoria every time I see my friends or family happy. I'm the type who complains about not being able to go to concerts. I sing a lot in the shower, which annoys everyone else in the house but I still don't care because hey, I'm singing my favorite song! I'm the type who writes about absolutely everything in my journal... when I see an adorable cat on my way home, I write about it. When I see a hamster with squishy cheeks, I write about it. Even those accidental glances with my crush... believe me, I write about it. You wanna know why? Because I'm the type of girl who loves to write about her life someday... telling everybody it's a happy story although I've gone through different and countless obstacles. I wanna let everyone know it's an "ugly-pretty" type of story, if you know what I mean. The reason why I wrote this, is because I just wanted to unleash this... this thing inside me and I really don't know what term to use but it's this thing I've been hiding all along because I'm different... the kind of different where nobody's almost like me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but, that's alright. I know I'm different from everybody else. We're all different from everybody else. I keep a really long bucket list and nobody ever knows about it. What it contains and where it's hidden. It's a special kind of bucket list. You see, I'm a secretive person... an introvert. I don't easily tell other people what I feel inside, especially to my parents. But when I do, I always lie about what I feel. I bottle my emotions up and when I'm finally alone, that's where I usually break down. But it's different when I'm with my friends. I always spill everything out to them. I'm a happy person outside, yet a sad one inside. The reason why I always want to spend time with my friends is because I wanted to bury the sadness. Honestly, I am that type of girl. But most days, I'm a happy balloon! It just scares me because it might be one of the things that's gonna stop me from doing something I really love. I have so many things to do accomplish in my life. I'm getting there... I will get there.

I haven't really thought of a nice title for this post so I guess I'm gonna have to just leave it title-less.

...actually, I should have blogged about this months ago but I deleted my blog that time and I was too idle to renew it so I wasn't able to write about it. But now, since it's 3 in the morning and I have nothing to do, I thought of writing a little something about it.

This post is about a book I read and got hooked to. It's called "The fault in our stars" by the magnificent John Green. I don't know if you've read this book too but I think you've heard about it already since this book was talked about a lot on social networking sites.

When I first heard about the book, I had no thoughts about it since I thought it was just one of the books with nice covers and nice beginnings and  everybody's like: "Omg isn't this the book everyone else is talking about? Omg, I want this!" At first it was all like that but one time, couple of months ago, I went to the book store to buy some good reads and I noticed this book on the "Best-sellers" rack. I didn't know what happened there, but I grabbed the book from the rack and paid for it. When I got home, I read the book and surprisingly, I finished 10 chapters on the first night! I didn't know it was that addictive!

The fault in our stars! (omit the quality. I only took this photo with my iPod)

I wanted to blog about the story but I don't wanna be nicknamed "the spoiler" (lol) Although I know there are quite a lot of good reads this month, I still suggest this book to all the other bookworms out there who are in dire need of a good book! 

"Okay, maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."

Random post

I have a very eclectic taste when it comes to music. I listen to practically anything as long as it has a good rhythm and the lyrics have this... "substance" in them. I enjoy listening to rock and indie songs, probably because I grew up listening to them. As a kid, my dad and I would usually listen to a lot of REM and Led Zepellin songs, so... yeah. My friends consider my music taste uncanny because I prefer "not so mainstream" music unlike them. But there's nothing wrong with it. This is what I love listening to and no one has the right to change it.

Nowadays, I've seen a lot of people my age posting stuff on social networking sites saying they want to listen to this particular artist or band because they wanted to be "cool" and they don't wanna be like the "everybody-listens-to-this-except-me" type and it shocked the living daylights out of me. It's never "cool" to force yourself to like something because you wanna be like everybody else. Because you want people to look at you as a person who has this music taste other people have. "Good music taste". Let me tell you this, personally, there's no such thing as "bad" music. A lot of people these days say that modern and mainstream music suck. No. Some people just like to judge when it comes to other's music tastes because they aren't used to the music other people listen to. Just like me. There's nothing wrong with judging. As long as it's the good kind of judgement. Like you know, you just say stuff about the kind of music other people love but NEVER EVER criticize their music taste. I'm not used to mainstream music but I listen to a lot of them and after a couple weeks, they get wearisome and I delete them right away. You just have to love what you love. My point is, you don't have to pretend to like what you don't like. I'm not aiming this post at anyone, but I hope it helped.