3 am deep thinking.

It's scary to think how the future is so close yet we're here, all naive and confused at the same time. It's actually frightening to think of it especially of the thought of what may be in store for us. Good or bad, let's admit it, we get constant waves of anxiety every time we think about how it will be like...

I get that kind of feeling sometimes. There are even times when I would just sit and stare at the blank page of my notebook or at open windows. I just keep on thinking of the things that might possibly happen to me in the near future. And when I do, that's where I usually get all pessimistic because I keep on telling myself not to think of the positive things too much because some things might not turn out the way I anticipated it to and I don't wanna feel bad about it. Nobody would want that.

When I think, I don't just think. When I'm having deep thoughts, it's either I've drowned myself in sadness or I got all flooded with euphoria. I let my thoughts wander in my head until I feel completely different from the state I was in. You know, thinking about how the next day is gonna be is like being manipulated by an unseen force. Your tomorrow might be a gift or a curse. I know I procrastinate and make alibis often. But I'm working on it. I may act like this huge bad ass kid who seems like she doesn't care about much of anything. The girl who goes: "Who caaaaaaares!" but hey, I do and I am scared... I am scared of the future.

Semi dream, semi reality.

You're the type of girl who never bothered much about what other people think about you not because you knew yourself better but because you got used to everyone picking on you. You wanted to be alone. Your 'rents would ask you how things are with your friends and school and stuff and then you would respond with a smirk. You don't want anyone to bother you with your problems because you feel like you're only annoying them. You lived a miserable life because you never opened up to anyone. You wished for nothing but silence and darkness. You wanted to live your life alone and not have anyone live it for you. Just you, no rules. As you wished, you got stuck in semi realism...

One day you'll wake up and nothing's going to be the same anymore. Same faces, same places but nothing will ever be the way it was before. You step out of your bedroom and find the curtains pulled down, the television on yet you hear nothing but silence. Birds chirp noisily to the point where you find their noise quite odd. You find books with torn pages scattered on the table. Nobody was there. Just you and the wind. Isn't this what you wanted? To be alone? The peculiarity of everything brought you to confusion. You went back to your room and before you could make another move, you find catalogs of mini vans you do not even recognize under your bed and then indie music started playing in the background. The music sounded inviting. Inviting? Inviting me? For what?

What is this? 

A call for adventure, I suppose? Your eyes brighten and you feel the adrenaline running through your veins. You squeeze into your jeans, wear your striped tee and put on your worn out Vans. You grab your backpack and ran outside to find a mini van parked outside your house, sun beam shining on the window sills.

Oh my god. My eyes have met my fantasies. 

Without further ado, you get in the van and music started playing on the stereo. You were mindlessly driving. I'm stuck in my dreams. Next thing you know, you're in a deserted town, an isolated area. Abandoned diners and gas stations all over the places. Everything was empty. You felt the chills sending shivers down your spine. You ran back to the van and stepped on the accelerator as hard as you could. The day was drawing to a close and you're still in the same place, same atmosphere. There were all these weird noises coming from nowhere. Trees shaking and scary echoes. You have a feeling a vehicle was right behind you, following you all along. A pair of red and beast-like eyes were watching every move you make and never before seen creatures preying on you. You were shaking and trembling and everything. In that moment, you could honestly say it was an adventure. But it was the bad kind of adventure. Right there, you just let loose of everything.

A few hours have elapsed and you were surprised to see yourself in your own room again. You were in bed, hyperventilating. You got out of bed, your heart was racing as you lay your hand on the knob because you're afraid you might be in the same situation again. You wished none of it existed. You wished for things to go back to the way they were before. You turned the knob open and saw what you wished for. Happy smiles planted on each of everyone's faces as they gather around the table for breakfast. It was all a dream... a bad, bad dream...

You never wanted to be alone again. You realized how sad and scary it was to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone. When people are confused about their emotions, they don't just say they want to be alone because deep down, although they mean it, nobody will ever be alone. They just wanna be saved.

Sad truths

I honestly hate people who judge too quickly. We all have our first impressions on people but when you go telling people unlikely stuff about other people, that's a different story. Impressions can either be good or bad and it's natural to have bad impressions on people just as long as you don't make serious judgments because sometimes, people tend to believe whatever other people tell them so they pass it on.

Sometimes, our tactlessness always wins us over. We become insensitive about other people's feelings in terms of the words we utter or the actions we do. Words can hurt. I admit I've said a lot of hurtful words to a lot of people because sometimes, I just couldn't hold my temper. Yes, I am an emotionally sensitive person. I keep a lot of things to myself because that's where I'm good at. I can hold my emotions for a long time but when I feel like I've already had enough, I let it all out. It's either I cry or I say hurtful words. People might say things like: "I hate judgmental people. What's wrong with being judgmental, I mean, everyone is." Let me tell you one thing: Whether you like it or not, people will always judge you. My advice? Deal with it.

Random post. PS: not aiming this entry at anyone.

Lazy Sundays

It's Sunday and since there isn't much to do here I made my first playlist. A little bit of everything. Give it a listen! :-)

https://8tracks.com/juliemoscoso/untitled-mix/edit