3 am deep thinking.

It's scary to think how the future is so close yet we're here, all naive and confused at the same time. It's actually frightening to think of it especially of the thought of what may be in store for us. Good or bad, let's admit it, we get constant waves of anxiety every time we think about how it will be like...

I get that kind of feeling sometimes. There are even times when I would just sit and stare at the blank page of my notebook or at open windows. I just keep on thinking of the things that might possibly happen to me in the near future. And when I do, that's where I usually get all pessimistic because I keep on telling myself not to think of the positive things too much because some things might not turn out the way I anticipated it to and I don't wanna feel bad about it. Nobody would want that.

When I think, I don't just think. When I'm having deep thoughts, it's either I've drowned myself in sadness or I got all flooded with euphoria. I let my thoughts wander in my head until I feel completely different from the state I was in. You know, thinking about how the next day is gonna be is like being manipulated by an unseen force. Your tomorrow might be a gift or a curse. I know I procrastinate and make alibis often. But I'm working on it. I may act like this huge bad ass kid who seems like she doesn't care about much of anything. The girl who goes: "Who caaaaaaares!" but hey, I do and I am scared... I am scared of the future.

Semi dream, semi reality.

You're the type of girl who never bothered much about what other people think about you not because you knew yourself better but because you got used to everyone picking on you. You wanted to be alone. Your 'rents would ask you how things are with your friends and school and stuff and then you would respond with a smirk. You don't want anyone to bother you with your problems because you feel like you're only annoying them. You lived a miserable life because you never opened up to anyone. You wished for nothing but silence and darkness. You wanted to live your life alone and not have anyone live it for you. Just you, no rules. As you wished, you got stuck in semi realism...

One day you'll wake up and nothing's going to be the same anymore. Same faces, same places but nothing will ever be the way it was before. You step out of your bedroom and find the curtains pulled down, the television on yet you hear nothing but silence. Birds chirp noisily to the point where you find their noise quite odd. You find books with torn pages scattered on the table. Nobody was there. Just you and the wind. Isn't this what you wanted? To be alone? The peculiarity of everything brought you to confusion. You went back to your room and before you could make another move, you find catalogs of mini vans you do not even recognize under your bed and then indie music started playing in the background. The music sounded inviting. Inviting? Inviting me? For what?

What is this? 

A call for adventure, I suppose? Your eyes brighten and you feel the adrenaline running through your veins. You squeeze into your jeans, wear your striped tee and put on your worn out Vans. You grab your backpack and ran outside to find a mini van parked outside your house, sun beam shining on the window sills.

Oh my god. My eyes have met my fantasies. 

Without further ado, you get in the van and music started playing on the stereo. You were mindlessly driving. I'm stuck in my dreams. Next thing you know, you're in a deserted town, an isolated area. Abandoned diners and gas stations all over the places. Everything was empty. You felt the chills sending shivers down your spine. You ran back to the van and stepped on the accelerator as hard as you could. The day was drawing to a close and you're still in the same place, same atmosphere. There were all these weird noises coming from nowhere. Trees shaking and scary echoes. You have a feeling a vehicle was right behind you, following you all along. A pair of red and beast-like eyes were watching every move you make and never before seen creatures preying on you. You were shaking and trembling and everything. In that moment, you could honestly say it was an adventure. But it was the bad kind of adventure. Right there, you just let loose of everything.

A few hours have elapsed and you were surprised to see yourself in your own room again. You were in bed, hyperventilating. You got out of bed, your heart was racing as you lay your hand on the knob because you're afraid you might be in the same situation again. You wished none of it existed. You wished for things to go back to the way they were before. You turned the knob open and saw what you wished for. Happy smiles planted on each of everyone's faces as they gather around the table for breakfast. It was all a dream... a bad, bad dream...

You never wanted to be alone again. You realized how sad and scary it was to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone. When people are confused about their emotions, they don't just say they want to be alone because deep down, although they mean it, nobody will ever be alone. They just wanna be saved.

Sad truths

I honestly hate people who judge too quickly. We all have our first impressions on people but when you go telling people unlikely stuff about other people, that's a different story. Impressions can either be good or bad and it's natural to have bad impressions on people just as long as you don't make serious judgments because sometimes, people tend to believe whatever other people tell them so they pass it on.

Sometimes, our tactlessness always wins us over. We become insensitive about other people's feelings in terms of the words we utter or the actions we do. Words can hurt. I admit I've said a lot of hurtful words to a lot of people because sometimes, I just couldn't hold my temper. Yes, I am an emotionally sensitive person. I keep a lot of things to myself because that's where I'm good at. I can hold my emotions for a long time but when I feel like I've already had enough, I let it all out. It's either I cry or I say hurtful words. People might say things like: "I hate judgmental people. What's wrong with being judgmental, I mean, everyone is." Let me tell you one thing: Whether you like it or not, people will always judge you. My advice? Deal with it.

Random post. PS: not aiming this entry at anyone.

Lazy Sundays

It's Sunday and since there isn't much to do here I made my first playlist. A little bit of everything. Give it a listen! :-)

https://8tracks.com/juliemoscoso/untitled-mix/edit

Keep going

There have been a lot of things bothering me the past few months and to be honest, I've never felt anything like this before. I easily get pissed at people and stuff and then there are times when I would break down for some shallow reason or nothing at all. I was sad to the point where I felt like I was already at the verge of giving up...

One time, the entire class went down for a game of volleyball and I wasn't in the mood for stuff like those so I hid inside the comfort room along with my classmate just to make sure our teacher wouldn't see us and force us to get in the game. We stayed there for 10 minutes, talking about the things that might possibly happen if our teacher caught us hiding in there and in the middle of our silly conversation, our teacher caught us and we were sent to the clinic because our teacher got a little mad so we were exempted in the game. We were made to sit on one of the beds. I was shaking then. I felt a little uptight because I was afraid I might receive a failing grade in PE. A few minutes later, he called us and we five, (my other classmates) stood outside the room where our teacher scolded us. While he was talking to one of my classmates, my other classmate started crying, so did the other one until everyone was crying except for me. My teacher turned his head at me and said: "Why are you guys crying, look at Julie she's pretty calm but hey, I can make her cry too." I stood there in silence because I had no idea what he was talking about. He spoke again and this time, he was asking stuff about my parents and my whole family and right before I could speak, he uttered the words: "Are you happy?" And in that moment, I felt my heart sinking like a ship lost at sea and right there, I drowned myself in tears.

"Are you happy?"

...my head was clouded with bad and vague thoughts.

I became a lot unhappier.

But as the days have passed, the days where I felt like I was never ever going to be as happy as I was before, I slowly realized that pain is just temporary. Of course I was a little pessimistic that time but having that kind of thought sort of uplifted me. Pain is truly temporary. It doesn't last forever. All these obstacles that come your way out of the blue, these are challenges given to you to see how far you can go. Life is unfair. Deal with it. But always remember that there is beauty in everything, even to imperfection. We are all made of flaws. We're all born flawed and that is an impeccable thought. We all have ups and downs in life and if we keep moving, we'll be able to resolve all of them in no time! Just like me... I'm happy now. I've got my friends and family to motivate me everyday although we don't get along sometimes, we still make sure we always have time to converse about how things are...

Although I might often complain about how shitty my day went, I'm still thankful God has proven to me that storms do not go on forever... whatever you do, carry on. :)

Rain

Don't you just love it when it rains? You sit there reading a good book, with the matching crashes of raindrops on the rooftop. The perfect time to listen to good music and just unwind. The perfect time to bury yourself in thick blankets... the room and the perfect atmosphere.

The only bad thing is, I hate being out for a long period of time when it rains.

Yet I love the kind of silhouette it makes on the window at night like when you're all cozy in bed, ready to get some good sleep!

You can call me weird, I'd take that as a compliment.

There's something so calming about it. I prefer the rain lashing down so hard that I couldn't hear anything anymore, just the music in my ears.

I just love dark and cold rainy days. Not just normal dark & normal cold... 

Really dark... and really cold rainy days.

People deserve to be happy

I have plenty of ups and downs in my life and I'm pretty sure, you've had them too.

When people get sad, they normally break down until they feel light and sort of forgot about their feelings. But when I get sad, I don't break down... I sit there, bottle everything up until I just couldn't hold it anymore. You wanna know why I bottle my emotions? Because I'm a wretched kid and every time sadness hits me, all I could think is myself rotting because I'm just... too... unhappy. That's why when I feel down, I do not cry. I do not wanna feel miserable. Bottling our feelings could make us look like happy people outside. But I don't think that's gonna help... it's okay to cry. Nothing's wrong with that, we all feel sad and cold sometimes. I recently learned that keeping things to yourself and pretending to be happy isn't such a good idea at all.

I'm a pretty sad person... I cannot answer a million questions right now but sincerely, I am. That's why I'm working on radiating positive vibes! I wrote this, because I feel unhappy right now. But sitting here and being all gloomy isn't gonna change anything. I am learning to be as cheery as I was before because I deserve to be happy!

 Good Night.